in the Moonlight i Drive, and Summer Ends.

There is some indescribable freedom and pleasure in driving alone, windows down and music shading in the fullness of the scene. A cool night breeze whips across my face and a shiver trickles down my spine, my hair flying loose from its tight, tied cage. I love to drive alone, plodding slowly into the morning hours as the tantalizing smell of night immerses me in its secrets, whispering to me. I silently smile to myself in the illusion that I have found something no other can find.

The childhood taunt: I know something you don't know. It kills us all.

Other people's words filter through my head, and the clarity of my vision is blurred. It's amazing how sudden change is, wrapping itself around and around you, causing words to become drops of shadows against the whiteboard of the past. Are actions chosen based more on the words I find drowning my thoughts, or the emotions which give my thoughts form?

How funny that one can find reassurance in the absence of normalcy. Nothing stays the same, nor can anything be returned to the way it was. I foolishly find myself wishing for that very thing: that in some form or another, things will return to the way they were. But once words have fallen, they cannot be picked up. Their imprints cannot be ignored. The effects we have are powerful and irreversible; we are foolish to believe that anything we do has no impact. We can only gather that which remains and attempt to salvage it into something more beautiful and meaningful than before. Our dreams turn from that which we had, to that which we may have.

My visions for the future are beautiful; they are filled with a soft light, secret smiles and strange faces that fill my days with laughter. I envision contentedness. I feel I can barely taste the beauty which is to fall, whether it land gracefully or harshly on my days. Everything is beautiful, for whatever happens leaves the change up to us: For we will be altered, but the manner in which we are is left to us. Ultimately, don't we decide how we are affected? Change falls quietly, powerfully. The most drastic changes are made in the quiet moments, the ticking details, the still, personal decisions.

Ultimately, we are alone. In all we do.

A sudden loneliness suffocates me as I become immersed in headlights on all sides, caught in a glaring river of light in the absolute blackness of my night.